What if I die? I hope this question goes
unanswered. The horns were honking, as I lay flat on my bed watching the
monotonous rotation of the fan on my ceiling. Is my life the same, going
through the same rough patch all the time? The only difference being that I
could change my motion, I could put a full stop to my existence. I closed my
eyes to search for answers that could put a stop to this misery I was going
through. Who has abandoned me? Oh God! Is it my friends or my family- no it can’t
be my family they love me too much. I have only let the world, magnify my
agony. Or are you the one who has abandoned me, just because I am a dot in this
crap hole of existence, we call Life.
Life
to me has been great, a wonderful family to begin with, surrounded by good
company of my friends and my well wishers. I graduated from one of the premier
institutes of my state. I am an engineer, a software engineer. I was placed in
a company which is renowned for making operating systems for any computer in this
world. That is their credit and its worth mentioning. I wanted to go for higher
studies preferably for a M.B.A.
I wanted to do it from abroad so that I get
a good job and the competition will be a lot less as compared to what it is in
India. So I filled up forms for the exam and it was due in September. I also
wanted to buy a flat as a gift to my parents before I leave. Everything was
set; my girlfriend still wanted to continue with our relationship crossing
borders, I don’t blame her for that, I love her too, but I didn’t want to force
her for the sake of my greed. We promised to stay in contact, come what may.
She told me to keep my cool and don’t worry about anything. My parents liked
her too; she is very caring and humble. She always takes good care of my
parents considering she is not from our caste. The real truth was that she
loved me more than I did to her. I will miss her greatly because once she is
far, my life would be hollow without her, but my decision was final.
I cleared my exam and I got a good
scholarship for my further studies. I booked my flight tickets and it was ten
days away from this date.
13th November: I was a little nervous
considering this would be my first time in many years that I will be leaving my
family and my girlfriend - Simran. I had to do my routine work of getting
vegetables from the store nearby. I also needed to do a bit of shopping for
Simran and possibly I could gift her something valuable. It was already half
past four, so it was getting late and I asked Simran to be quick because there
was a probability for heavy showers.
We got on to my
car and the store was not too far from my home, but I had planned differently
that day- I wanted to propose Simran for marriage. That would be a great
surprise for her. I wanted to take her to the loneliest place in the city so
that we could be happy in our solitude before we drift apart. I had already
bought her a diamond ring- a woman’s best friend. We were driving and talking
at the same point regarding general things, and every now and then she warned
me not to have any affair. I always regarded myself as a one woman man. I could
never cheat on her; she was the most precious being after my parents in this
world. It started getting murky and driving was difficult, I was just a starter
as far as my driving was concerned. I did the driving only when I felt happy
and rest of the times it was Simran. She was a fantastic driver, very cool and
composed. I was a little rash on the turns.
Simran asked me a
question “Do you have to go?”
I replied “yes”.
She turned her
face; I knew this was the time; I tried to get the ring out of my pocket and
while doing so I didn’t see a little girl running on the street, to add to it
there was a sharp turn ahead. I tried to control but my driving was not pro
enough, I could only manage to turn the steering wheel right in order to save a
valuable life. In that event I rammed my car onto a still truck loaded with
rods. The next moment I was in comatose, when I saw Simran’s body ruptured by
those rods.
She was spot dead.
As far as I was concerned, I didn’t have my seat belt fasten adding to the rash
driving I was doing I hurt my head but I was unlucky to survive the rods.
Unlucky I was, because I deserved those iron bars through my guts. I survived,
but that left me shattered my Love was dead and the left part of my body was
permanently disabled. I was semi paralyzed- half in the body and half which
controls it- the almighty brain. The next few months were equally worse I had
never imagined this in any of the wildest dreams that I had pictured.
Presently 6th July: I remembered a quote, I don’t know who
quoted it but it hardly matters-“Hope for the best and prepare for the worst”.
Now all this was making sense to me but what am I to do. I lost the opportunity
to go abroad, I was paralyzed and the worst of all I lost Simran. I started to
ponder if suicide was the only option as I lay discomfort ably on the couch.
I thought about it again and again. I was
not getting a clear vision but as I was about to make up my mind to finish
things off as the great guitarist and singer Kurt Cobain had said “It’s better
to burn out than to fade away”. I saw a man on TV he was fully paralyzed at the
age of six. He was still alive and now he was seventy five, he had done all this
by the help of yoga. He was not perfect, he still had clear indications that he
had suffered from a major accident, but the thing that mattered was that he was
living a life. I gave it a second thought when my mother approached me and said
“beta, you know, when you were about a year old, you hardly walked “she added
“Son it’s the same here the only difference is that, you learnt how to use your
body in the next few years, it didn’t matter then why does it matter to you
now” she paused to continue again “You were still a kid for us and you still
are.” She left me with a book of questions……… I had only one question to answer
–What if I die, what will I get?
