What if i die?

What if I die? I hope this question goes unanswered. The horns were honking, as I lay flat on my bed watching the monotonous rotation of the fan on my ceiling. Is my life the same, going through the same rough patch all the time? The only difference being that I could change my motion, I could put a full stop to my existence. I closed my eyes to search for answers that could put a stop to this misery I was going through. Who has abandoned me? Oh God! Is it my friends or my family- no it can’t be my family they love me too much. I have only let the world, magnify my agony. Or are you the one who has abandoned me, just because I am a dot in this crap hole of existence, we call Life.

                Life to me has been great, a wonderful family to begin with, surrounded by good company of my friends and my well wishers. I graduated from one of the premier institutes of my state. I am an engineer, a software engineer. I was placed in a company which is renowned for making operating systems for any computer in this world. That is their credit and its worth mentioning. I wanted to go for higher studies preferably for a M.B.A.

I wanted to do it from abroad so that I get a good job and the competition will be a lot less as compared to what it is in India. So I filled up forms for the exam and it was due in September. I also wanted to buy a flat as a gift to my parents before I leave. Everything was set; my girlfriend still wanted to continue with our relationship crossing borders, I don’t blame her for that, I love her too, but I didn’t want to force her for the sake of my greed. We promised to stay in contact, come what may. She told me to keep my cool and don’t worry about anything. My parents liked her too; she is very caring and humble. She always takes good care of my parents considering she is not from our caste. The real truth was that she loved me more than I did to her. I will miss her greatly because once she is far, my life would be hollow without her, but my decision was final.

I cleared my exam and I got a good scholarship for my further studies. I booked my flight tickets and it was ten days away from this date.

13th November: I was a little nervous considering this would be my first time in many years that I will be leaving my family and my girlfriend - Simran. I had to do my routine work of getting vegetables from the store nearby. I also needed to do a bit of shopping for Simran and possibly I could gift her something valuable. It was already half past four, so it was getting late and I asked Simran to be quick because there was a probability for heavy showers.

We got on to my car and the store was not too far from my home, but I had planned differently that day- I wanted to propose Simran for marriage. That would be a great surprise for her. I wanted to take her to the loneliest place in the city so that we could be happy in our solitude before we drift apart. I had already bought her a diamond ring- a woman’s best friend. We were driving and talking at the same point regarding general things, and every now and then she warned me not to have any affair. I always regarded myself as a one woman man. I could never cheat on her; she was the most precious being after my parents in this world. It started getting murky and driving was difficult, I was just a starter as far as my driving was concerned. I did the driving only when I felt happy and rest of the times it was Simran. She was a fantastic driver, very cool and composed. I was a little rash on the turns.

Simran asked me a question “Do you have to go?”

 I replied “yes”.

She turned her face; I knew this was the time; I tried to get the ring out of my pocket and while doing so I didn’t see a little girl running on the street, to add to it there was a sharp turn ahead. I tried to control but my driving was not pro enough, I could only manage to turn the steering wheel right in order to save a valuable life. In that event I rammed my car onto a still truck loaded with rods. The next moment I was in comatose, when I saw Simran’s body ruptured by those rods.

She was spot dead. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t have my seat belt fasten adding to the rash driving I was doing I hurt my head but I was unlucky to survive the rods. Unlucky I was, because I deserved those iron bars through my guts. I survived, but that left me shattered my Love was dead and the left part of my body was permanently disabled. I was semi paralyzed- half in the body and half which controls it- the almighty brain. The next few months were equally worse I had never imagined this in any of the wildest dreams that I had pictured.

Presently 6th July:     I remembered a quote, I don’t know who quoted it but it hardly matters-“Hope for the best and prepare for the worst”. Now all this was making sense to me but what am I to do. I lost the opportunity to go abroad, I was paralyzed and the worst of all I lost Simran. I started to ponder if suicide was the only option as I lay discomfort ably on the couch.

I thought about it again and again. I was not getting a clear vision but as I was about to make up my mind to finish things off as the great guitarist and singer Kurt Cobain had said “It’s better to burn out than to fade away”. I saw a man on TV he was fully paralyzed at the age of six. He was still alive and now he was seventy five, he had done all this by the help of yoga. He was not perfect, he still had clear indications that he had suffered from a major accident, but the thing that mattered was that he was living a life. I gave it a second thought when my mother approached me and said “beta, you know, when you were about a year old, you hardly walked “she added “Son it’s the same here the only difference is that, you learnt how to use your body in the next few years, it didn’t matter then why does it matter to you now” she paused to continue again “You were still a kid for us and you still are.” She left me with a book of questions……… I had only one question to answer –What if I die, what will I get?