Goodbye, nice to know you !

“When you win nothing hurts”, Frank you always said this. But, you can’t win all the time can you? I will keep it simple and short, as I know that there would be only a handful people who will read this.

Ever since I was ushered in this world, I was told about how I should behave towards society and people. The sheer embarrassment and delusion that people surround themselves in order to appease others makes me choke on my own vomit. The fake smile, the show of money, the status, fancy cars, watches, gadgets and things, these things that surround people all the time. I renounce this dogma. I am sick of it. Do this at this time, do that at another time. Religion, government and all the people have told me to do things as they wanted. I have had enough of this and now I need to take control of the things that I want to do.

Frank, I will be honest with you. You have given me all the luxuries that any woman could ever dream of, but in the event of giving me things to live, you forgot to give me a life. A life, where you and I could be together when we want, talk to each other face to face, holding hands and not through skype. I want to see you in the morning when I wake up in the morning not the walls of this huge and lonely house. Although, I am legally married to you, but work has been your life. I have failed in everything that I have done. I have neglected my life so much that I can barely think of any positives about it. I can’t fake it anymore now. Death comes only once, but I have died day in and day out. Every hour that I have spent in this house alone, makes me die, and every time I try is when every time I die.

When I think about the aims and desires that I had as a child, I can’t help myself but sulk. Deep down there is a great amount of regret that is burning my heart each moment of every hour that I live here. When and where will I meet my fate? Confined in these giant walls where there is nothing that my mind can perceive of life. The more I look outside, the more I feel my life starting to disappear. But, it all ends today.

Take care of Maggi. She will not miss me, as she loves the things that you have given her more than me. There is nothing more to write, nothing more to give. Just my life to take and leave this world.

Goodbye.

Dream for the blind

My world is diminishing with every breath I take,

A conscience effort to make right goes all in vain.

Crowded by this cumbersome feeling,

I wonder, whether there is any escape?

The condition is petrifying and demotivating,

It feels like a heightened state of tension,

The questions that arise are fast and loathsome,  

And the answers are beyond my comprehension.

I have always let my tiny mind, magnify the agony,

Thinking and worrying I punish myself again,

Dejected, rejected yet never resurrected,

I walk alone through the path unknown.

Through the fallen leaves and the stones,

Among all the troubles that hurt my present,

There finally comes a vision to my mind,

When I think of an eye and dream for the blind.

(Pic courtesy: http://www.zingzoo.com/2013/02/14/riveting-vision-breakthrough-for-the-blind/)

Sister

They thought for months and plied you would not be born,
Kept their fingers crossed and prayed to god till the candles burnt,
They tried more than once, and hoped it wasn’t you this time,
Finding the sex of the foetus is all they wanted to determine. 

They didn’t care about your first cry or the first smile,
They didn’t see your tender hands and feet so fragile,
They didn’t watch over you when you took your first steps,
All they saw was a boy’s face who had to be in your place.

Oh sister, little sister, you have a choice.
Oh sister, little sister, you have a voice.

There is no use they said when you wanted to learn,
Go to the kitchen they said, and make the woods burn,
When you started to play and have some rejoice,
They slapped you in the face and enforced you to devoice.

Oh sister, little sister, you have a choice.
Oh sister, little sister, you have a voice.

So let them try to stop you now, lay hurdles in your path,
Don’t stand down or give ever up, even if the way is black,
Take you stance and fight for your right, as there is a long way to go,
Don’t ever feel helpless and alone, even if they tell you so.

Lost & Found

Lost & Found

I remember that night as if it was yesterday, clear and vivid. I walked out of the railway station alone, with only my handbag. I was lost in my own thoughts and moved along the path that was unfamiliar. It was late and I could see only a handful of people on the road. It was both scary and comforting to see a few fellow humans on the road. Scary- as in what if there was someone lurking in the dark and comforting that it was not totally void of humans. A girl does feel scared to walk the road, with the fear of being abducted or even further sinister consequences. At that time, I didn’t know precisely where to go, so I had to pick one of the paths from the rest.

From a distance, I heard muffled noises, as if somebody was playing loud music and the door being opened and closed at discrete intervals. I tracked the sound and walked slowly keeping a watch all around. The population increased as I approached the source of the sound. I felt happy and approached the bar.

There were many people crammed in that place, some were seated and some stood tall. Most of them had a drink in their hand. I browsed through the fellow associates who had occupied the bar at the same time. There were some very pretty ladies with lesser clothes. Their hair went in all directions and not one of them looked odd. They simply looked stunning and beautiful. They were raising toast for every drink that was placed on their table and they even shouldered all the men in whose company they found peace and happiness. Some women were older and I wasn’t sure if they had come in with their husbands. Maybe their better halves were at someplace else more important than this bar.

Few of them were boys and girls and I didn’t know if they should be allowed to enter and share drinks. I shouldn’t be allowed too, but somehow I sneaked passed the security guards. There were others who seemed like office goers and had come there because it was a weekend. They were talking intellectual and most of their topic was related to ‘how to grow financially’ or ‘which company could make them happier’. If there was another topic it had to be of ‘girls’. There were other old gentlemen who were having this air of superiority to go with the hefty amounts deposited in the bank accounts. There were carefully watching the crowd that had turned up that day and simultaneously having their usual conversation.

I took a peek of my own. Most of the people were indulged in their own drinks and the way their life had spanned. I further looked at them all. After careful observation I saw a man, probably in his mid-thirties. He was wearing a rimless frame with lenses that were not over excessively expensive. He wore a dark blue collared t-shirt to go with the even darker shade of denims. He was with two of his friends. He looked a little nervous maybe because he wasn’t drinking, while all the others around him were reeking of alcohol, cluttering their glasses and shouting ‘Cheers’. He kept looking at this watch as if he had to be somewhere else. Something worried him that was missing among all the other occupiers of the bar.

As I was glanced and made my own assumptions about the person, he appeared to catch me unguarded. Within that moment our eyes were in line and nothing seemed to come in between. He saw my eyes- and I saw his. He gave a look of concern as well as misperception. Maybe he was confused regarding the next step he should take. Our eyes didn’t blink and we kept watching each other. He sensed the melancholy that had filled my heart. I saw his look change from partially confused to fully concerned. Within a split second, he put down his soft drink.

He signalled to his friends about my existence, but before his companions could spot me I hid myself behind a wall. He kept pointing out in my direction, but his friends were least bothered. After a minute he gave up too. He retired to his drink but there was still my image at the back of his mind, I could sense it as he looked even more worried than before. He knew it and I knew it as well. The entire time I was out-alone and indecisive on the next step. But, when I glanced at him I knew within that one very moment that this man in picture is the one man I wanted to be with.

I took another glimpse from the corner of my eye and he was still searching for me. I knew it that it was right and I could not afford to waste time. I made up my mind to meet him and talk to him. The next moment I took a look at his table and he was gone. I felt bad and lonely, just the same way how I had been feeling the entire night. Probably he had gone to the place he was worried about, but I hadn’t seen him heading for the exit. I had lost the time and now it seemed that it was hard to make up for it. ‘The door of opportunity knocks only once’, this saying was coming to be true. I stood and scanned the entire bar once again and still there was no sign of him.

Could I walk up to his friends and ask them about his whereabouts? Probably that would be a bad decision as they didn’t seem as noble as he was. I was scared and looked for him everywhere. It took about another thirty seconds before I saw him reappear in my range of vision. Apparently he had gone to the washroom. I didn’t want to waste another precious moment and I took rather lengthy stride making advancements in his direction. I slowly reached in his vicinity without him even noticing me. I mustered all courage and touched his arm. He saw me and rose without any hesitation. He signalled his friends and took me outside.

He asked my name and the reason I was there. I told him everything and it took me roughly seven minutes to give him my story. He looked me in the eyes and embraced me. The warm embrace felt very assuring and I knew that my decision was right. He was the right man. He held me with a tight grip as he walked towards his car. He abruptly ended his party and took me home. His house wasn’t far from the bar and we reached there in no time. On the way we picked up dinner for both of us. We entered the house silently and tip toed our way to the kitchen.

He withdrew two plates from the drawer and placed it carefully on the dining table, making no sounds. I sat on a chair and saw him doing all the needful. We didn’t speak much during the late hour dinner. After us both finished our dinner he asked me for anything else that I wanted. I bluntly replied no and asked him where the bedroom was. It had been a difficult day it was better to end it with a smile on the face and a bloated stomach. He walked me into one of the rooms. He carefully switched on the lights and brought me closer to the bed. Thence, he pulled the quilt and told me to stand closer to the bed.

With a slight shrug he woke up the person sleeping on that bed and said “Son, from today this is your younger sister and her name is Alisha”.

Mother.

Hello mother, my mother, can you hear me?
I haven’t slept in a while and I didn’t want this to be,
Behind this pantomime, I have become a body of inevitable lie,
Constantly terrified and this is not what you wished for me.

Oh mother, tell me now, what to do and who to be?
Battling this life, I am frequently and decisively intrigued.
Behind this network of masks, still lies your child,
Helplessly alone, thinking about you all the time.

Tell me mother, if a wrong can be made into a right,
Will my past frequent me with torment and dismay?
Or will my sins come undone for an emotionless final foray.
Oh! How I wish you would be here, but you, you are so far away.

Forgive me mother, for I tried my best and yet I have failed,
All your teachings and education have gone in vain,
Its time to sanctify my soul and liberate my mind to pasteurise the fate,
Please don’t wait by the door tomorrow, because I will be late.

The Curtained Love

She comes over to my store, yashmak (burkha) clad every three days. I could only view her eyes. She gets to the imagination of every person she speaks or even looks at. With long eyelashes and pitch black eyes, she casts a spell among all boys, and I am no exception. She is fair as snow, and applies thick, heavy kohl around her eyes; she looks stunning. I was blown away the moment I saw her. She was beautiful and shyness added that extra mile to her gorgeousness. The instance, I first saw her is still vivid and glorified in my memory. She is Yasmin.
She stays in a bungalow across the street. She is a daughter of a Biryani outlet owner, a wealthy man indeed. She has two brothers, one elder and another younger. The elder brother Yusuf is married to a rich man’s daughter and stays in foreign lands. The younger brother Asfaque has just hit adolescence. She comes to my store with Asfaque, every time to take paan (betel plant) for her grandmother.
It was easy for me to fall for her. She is attractive not only by looks but also by nature. She speaks with ultimate calm and serene voice. Although being from a rich family, she never let the riches arrogant her nature. She is humble towards all the people she speaks to. She has her brother as company when she comes to my store, well actually it was not my store, and I work here. I like to call it my store, not because it makes me feel rich but I love to work here. The owner is a kind hearted man who had given me a chance to work and earn a living. Little did he know that I was love struck and mesmerized by the charm of Yasmin.
It had been a year; I watched her come over to my store and ask for the regular paan. Although one year is a long time to get accustomed to anybody, but, for her I am just an acquaintance; I still blush and turn red when she approaches me. Let alone the feeling when she accidently touches me. The moment she appears, I feel the time freeze. The scene lasts for only two minutes, but I always feel it is more. I wanted to speak to her, in order to extend the precious moments and prolong her stay, but resented on most occasions. There are thousand thoughts that cross my mind- what if she rubbishes me off? What if she abuses me? No she couldn’t abuse, she is much better than that. I was clouded by such thoughts and always postponed my assignment.
I look myself at the mirror every day and think about the improvements I can make to make my entire package, make it worthy or notable. Finally I give up that argument too, when I hear John Abraham on the television quote “Money makes you look good.”
Approaching a girl of your dreams is no joke; I don’t know how people do it. Maybe that is one of the reason people say Love happens only once. It is a herculean task when the girl is pretty and rich and the boy, poor. Moreover, I had no friends whom I could talk to, no one who is an old hand and could guide me through my misery. Adolescent love is so restless and relentless; it eats your head and time. It will always provoke you to focus only on it. The worst part is boys will be impatient and will be in a hurry to propose and get into a relationship. Noteworthy, I had less time too.
Almost the Day: She came in with the usual fragrance and charm. Without any reluctance I prepared her regular paan. She paid me the money. I looked on for motivation and finally, I mustered all the strength and approached her. I wanted to ask if she had a boy friend, lame, as it may sound but I had decided that was the way to go about things. I opened my mouth only to ask “would you like candies? I don’t have change.” I chided myself many times, while she gleefully accepted. I gave her an extra piece from my side. She didn’t know about my small gift. One step at a time I thought. She took all except one and said “This one is for you.” Every time I am blown away, but this time, I am cloud nine with her gesture. I kept the candy under my pillow from harm’s way, my treasured possession- a candy.
The next day I thank her for her gesture, she acknowledges and smiles. I want to see her smile. I am sure it will adorn her and make her more beautiful, but to my misery I only see her eyes. We speak sometimes about general things, some regarding her brother and some about her family and sometimes about my family. She is innocent of my intentions. I still remember the day when she had asked my name. I think I am progressing, from no one to my name, it means a lot to me.
Time passed by faster after that, we spoke often and it took more than four minutes. One day she told me that she likes to talk to me, and left. I was flabbergasted. She had touched the soft spot in my heart and I very well knew that the time had come. I thought I was making amends and it was time for me to strike the iron while it is hot. It seems like a fairy tale, rich man’s girl and a worker at a store falling in love. I am afraid at times, because her family is respected and well known. My employer will throw me out of this job as soon as he gets the news. Little things bother most, and this prevented me from approaching her. I had my family to support too, but the moment I think of her, all the sense flies out of the window. I keep falling for her, building castles in the air. I see her fading from my sight as I once again postpone my execution.
I am content with my behavior towards her; she is unaware and happy too. This could not go on for long if I have to transform the castles into a fine house. I preferred to wait, but I did not know how long.
The Day:  She turned up as always in her black yashmak with her brother. Her brother had locked hands with her. She asks for her regular stuff. I start the preparation and look at her at frequent, immediate intervals. She looks beautiful as ever. I am ready with the paan, she hands me the exact amount and turns to leave. Suddenly, I feel my life was going away from me. I wanted to stop her, tell her all that I had in my mind. In the mean time she had moved a good distance away from the store. I panic and grow restless, and finally in desperation I call out her name. She turns back without reluctance.
I approach her out of breath. I think again, whether to postpone or go for it. She looks on for me to say. I look in her eyes and open my mouth. I tell her how crazily I am in love with her, and although monetarily I am not competent enough yet, I promise to keep her happy. I tell her about how she had impacted my heart and if she gives me a chance I will keep her happy. Her eyes look at me in disputation. She then turns towards her brother who was a witness to my confession. Finally, she gazes at all the people around. She says nothing. She then turns to her brother and leaves me without a reply. I call her again, but this time she didn’t turn back. Her brother looked at me all the while; maybe he would understand my feelings. Already people were watching us and it is not good for her to talk to me in public. I felt assured that, that was the reason and she would reply me on her next visit.
She didn’t turn up for a couple of weeks, and I thought that was her answer. Day in and day out I had imagined her coming to my store and replying me or rather accepting my proposal. The feeling had left me happy at first, but slowly it turned into a nonsensical and fictitious.  Maybe she is upset at what I had said. Maybe I am not worthy of such a human being. Too many maybes crowded my brain. I was baffled, and didn’t know my next step. I thought about it for days and felt reckless. The mind can be fascinating at times and at times it can be haunting. I felt no good. I am now lazy in my work and often forget the things I have to do.
My boss decided to fire me seeing my ignorance at work. It cost him money, but I am concerned with my life. I had to return to my village in four days. On my finals days of work suddenly, I spotted her. She is with her brother as usual. The street is rather crowded as it is evening. I give no second thoughts, and walk to approach her.
 Her bungalow was close by, all the people knew her, because of her father’s stature. I pay no attention to them as I want my answer. I was not been feeling well, I lost focus on my work, I forgot how to smile and most importantly I forgot how to live. I walk over to her; I want to know the reason why I was discarded. She tells me to go away and never show my face and left. She was definite with her answer. I felt awestruck at her answer while she left. I spoke to no one. I felt I had committed a crime by breaking her heart.
I walked alone back to my room, desolate and shattered. Time could be a great healer; I just needed some time so that I could continue with my regular life. Difficult times are hard to pass, but they will pass eventually. I reach my room, lock the door and crawl into bed. I keep thinking about the incident in the market. It was agonizing. It still is. I close my eyes but the thoughts still chase me. I wanted to get away from this world, take a holiday or spend some time with my family. I think over and over again. I wake up look beyond the window. I spot a bar. What a view? It suits the occasion fine. Finally to get over my wretchedness I walk over to the local bar.
In the Bar: It is crowded and each one is busy drinking their stuff. I take a sip. The taste is bitter, as it is my first time. Nothing happens in the first two pegs. After a couple more, my head started spinning, and it gets me tripping. I can’t even walk the fine line, and struggle for an erect posture. There is something about drinking I feel, when you have a little- you stay a human. When you have little more- you turn into a tiger, pretend to be a renegade, raging and hostile. This can be troublesome for both- the drunkard and the one who gets into an argument with him. Well, a little more than that a man turns into a pig, falling in every pit and on every bend. I leave the bar at nine in the evening, like a pig, too drunk to sense anything. I slowly make my way back home. My room was not far away, just a small bridge and a bend to cross. I was in high spirits; the liquor in me was influencing my thoughts as well as my control. Slowly and steadily, I make it to the bridge. The cool wind blowing feels nice. I felt a sudden urge to get some more air. With boisterous heart and thoughts I climb the railing. I stand in akimbo. Bah! Forget all the things that happened, I will lead a good life now, it feels great. But, deep down I missed her, I knew that this enthusiasm is out of anger and not motivation. I outstretch my arms and feel the wind. I then close my eyes and feel much better.
Hello, he said what are you doing here? Come down or else you will fall. I heard these words but choose to ignore. He then shook my legs. I get startled and yet, try to control my posture. Within seconds I am moving uncontrollably and take a fall, but on the wrong side. It was a bridge but no water flowed under. It had dried a long time back. I could not make out the face of the man who tried to save me. I cry out loud Yasmin, and strike the ground with a great thud. My head bangs on the hard surface which consisted mainly of stones. Blood gushes out perpetually, I feel the pain but only for few seconds, I think my neck and skull both were broken. I lay there immovable. I try to figure out the person on the bridge and close my eyes for the last time.
My soul left the body and my call from heaven had come. Perhaps I had done some good deeds to get a call from heaven. But,  a soul only leaves the earth after the list rituals are performed. I wept like a small kid, I felt bad for my family. They would definitely miss me. My body was recovered from the stench within an hour (thanks to the man responsible).
My body was cleansed and kept in my employer’s house. It reeked of alcohol. My family had arrived and they were in tears. I felt like returning back to life, but it cannot be. It was ten in the morning and it was time. They carried me to the cemetery. A grave was already dug, all people had gathered who knew me, but I waited for Yasmin.
Yasmin, on seeing the shop closed inquired to few people. She got the news that was related to them by the man on the bridge. Apparently, when I called out Yasmin, he heard it. When people questioned him regarding the incident he said, I jumped off the bridge and committed suicide. Before I jumped he heard me shouting Yasmin, I love you. Plain and simple, he got away without a trial; he as well as I knew that it was an accident. Neither he nor I were to be blamed. But, when I heard the story I felt bad, because it made me weak. I was ready to accept a new life, but a false story gave entirely a different picture.
Everybody watched each other; finally the time for my cremation had come and the time my soul was to be taken to heaven. When my body was lifted to be buried, everyone heard a loud cry. Yasmin had come, it was against the customs for a girl to attend funerals, but no one could stop her. She came in running and out of breath. My body was still in air; she dropped on her knees and cried. She was warned that the time had come for me to go. She cried and asked for few seconds of time. All men grumble among themselves. I was watching my Yasmin. She lifted her veil, showed her face and with tears in her eyes said, I Love you too! The next moment she was pushed aside and I was buried. My soul got the signal from God for heavenly aboard, I cursed myself “Kal jab main usse pyar karta tha, tab wo parde me thi; aur aaj jab wo mujhe pyar karti hai to main parde me hu.” (When I loved her yesterday she was in a veil, and when she loves me today I am draped).